Thursday, October 10, 2013

Sparking Things and Hanging On

Since I've started blogging my mind has gone into overload. Ideas have flooded my brain on ways to raise money for Safe & Sound Refuge.

But, along with the good comes the bad. The nightmares have been waking me from my sleep for the past couple of weeks. To be honest with all of you, my journey is far from over, and I still have my own weaknesses. After being raped I don't think a person ever goes back to the person they were before. Everything changes, and I don't think that our situations are ever easy after that. We just become stronger. I think everyday is a survival in our minds, even if we don't say it out loud. At least, that's what I think.

The nightmare are all apart of that. I think now, by me opening up my world I have to also be honest with myself and in a way, I posted a target on my back. Him and his family/friends probably know by now that I am doing this, and I'm sure they aren't happy about it. I would hope they wouldn't go as far as to shut me up, but I never thought in a million years that he would of done what he did in the first place. So, I need to adjust my life accordingly just to be safe.

In my dreams, the situation shows itself in many different ways. Me being punished for talking, or my family and friends being punished… because of me. It's truly horrifying. I have to tell myself that the worst is over but how can it be over when all my head does is play it back to me everyday? Play different outcomes because of my newly found voice as well. Before my life changed, I never worried about my safety, not like I should have. I'd like all of you reading to ask yourself if you have in the past, or now, always put your safety first? I used to be very trusting in others, strangers even. I never had a plan on what I would do if this ever happened. Or anything bad for that matter. But, I should have. Now, I have plans for everything life might want to throw at me. I also have things to protect myself if my nightmares ever seemed to become a reality. Now, I'm not telling all of you to go buy a million guns. Let's stop that controversy in its tracks. I'm just saying be aware of what's going on around you before having to learn how I did. At first I questioned myself by asking, are you doing all of this because of what happened to you??? But I think I have known that answer the whole time.

This journey has taken every bit of emotion and every bit of strength that I have. There is not a day that goes by where it doesn't. Still. The truth is, I wouldn’t be able to survive it again. From the night it happened, to the defensive team ripping me to shreds on the stand, the fear I have daily, to all the counseling. All of it balled into one situation that happened two years ago. I could never experience it again.

Rape feels the same no matter how it happened. Like your world got ripped away from you and all you are trying to do from there is hang on. That's what every victim needs to do. Hang on and wait for the experiences that aren't bad ones. The moments in life that put a smile on your face. Hang on to the people that hold you up, and hang on to the happy memories that are still to come. Hang on until you realize that that there is so much more to this life than that one horrible situation. This is what I tell myself when I see myself slipping a little. Because, I still do, and I always will. But, I've become stronger than my situation and I will hang on to all the amazing moments in my life. To basically outweigh all the bullshit.

I hope you all continue to read and support because, I’m holding onto this, and the awesome things I want to do with Safe & Sound Refuge. So please, keep the support coming. I hope these blogs are sparking something in all of you, like my situation has sparked in me. If it has, please share these blogs with the people you love, and support a company that I know is going to do amazing things. <3