When everything first happened all the comforts I had before were gone. Things I would not have given a second thought to before. Being comfortable to walk outside of my apartment. Walking to my car at night. Trusting my friends. Trusting strangers. I was comfortable for a 22 year old. Nothing was going to happen to me, until something did. I didn't even consider that I might of been "putting myself in danger" just by being comfortable.
But all of the above still doesn't mean that I deserved it. Nor does it mean it was my fault. "I had it coming." was my favorite of all the times he had admitted to raping me (sarcasm). None of us "had it coming."
When I say us I mean the survivors. I use the word survivors because that is exactly what we are. We survived something that was supposed to kill us and we have to fight like hell, everyday to make sure it doesn't ruin us. From the moment it happens, its life changing. We have to start over, and our old lives for the most part wont fit our new ones. We have to reconsider friends and other people in our lives to make sure they are the people that will be there for all the struggles we are now facing. Sometimes you even leave your town. Either you are ran out or you are so uncomfortable you feel like leaving is the only option. We survive our nightmares, our own minds playing tricks on us. We survive our depressing thoughts. We survive minutes that feel like hours. We wake up every morning not knowing how hard our upcoming day is going to be.
All of our situations are different, but it all hurts the same. We all share this bond, that no one else will ever understand. Whenever I meet another survivor, I instantly feel a connection Its then I realize that I am not alone, and that someone else is feeling what I am. Someone else has taken steps in my shoes and I instantly consider them my friend. That's the whole point of these blogs and I hope that the survivors read this consider me a friend, even if we never met.
I hope you all connect with me and I hope reading this helps you not feel so alone. Because I know exactly what you are feeling and exactly how hard it is. I can't sit here and tell you that the situation is going to get better, but I can promise you that you get stronger. Taking myself for example, I know that for the rest of my life, I am going to have some hard days but I know that the sad emotions will pass and so will yours.
Rape is highly under noticed but it comes with the strongest survivors and the most resilient fighters. I have met and heard of some of the most amazing people from doing this. That is what makes my experience worth the hard times. I have bonds with people and friendships that I would of normally overlooked in my old life. Now, I wouldn't take this for granted to save my life.