Monday, September 30, 2013

Opening Eyes

At this point I have let everyone have a birds eye view on my latest adventure in the court world and how everything went down when it first happened. I told myself if I was going to do this, if I was going to let the world into my situation I would tell every bit, even if the picture painted isn't a pretty one. So here it goes.

After I pressed charges my world turned upside down. I wasn't sure if the friends I had spent all my time around were my friends any longer. Some proved to be the truest of friends while others drifted into the world that I no longer fit into. Which, isn't a bad thing or a good thing... it was just the way it was. The life I had before was gone, along with what I considered fun. My weekends weren't filled with drinking and my fears were no longer if the outfit I had on was cute or not. So, I lost some people. Which doesn't say much because I had lost myself too.

Next came the harassment. These people, some I knew, some I didn't... saw me as a bad person, a liar. Someone who was out to get the person they all loved. So first went my car, their warm up. Second went my dignity. Pounding on my door at midnight was when I lost it. I had been scared to walk outside for a couple days before, and I guess I had a reason to be. I had knifes hidden along with pepper spray all over my apartment. So, I grabbed both and crouched in a corner facing the door. I called a couple of the close friends I still had to have them come over. Then, I called the police. As I waited in the corner all I could do was cry, and come to the realization that this is what my life had came too. When the police showed up, they scolded me for calling my friends first, and without even writing a word down, they were gone.

The next day I went to the apartment management and begged them to let me out of the lease. They didn't. Regardless, I got a job lined up, a new apartment, and packed what I could for one trip to Kansas City.

For the next few months, I slept on a mattress in my new living room and watched blockbuster movies on my 32' television. I went to work and then to my apartment. I put on about 30 pounds and had no intention of meeting new people, or making new friends. As I dove deeper into depression, I started drinking... a lot. That's when I started being more social along with not treating people well, but I didn't seem to care. I wouldn't let myself. I was the worst version of myself, in the darkest place I had ever been.

I didn't see myself being that bubbly girl I once was, not until my mom had a talk with me which probably saved my life. She told me that she hated to see what I had become. She hated that boy for doing what he did. She said she hated him for taking away her happy girl... and most of all for taking her smile. At that moment, I knew I had let the situation not only hurt me, but everyone around me. The situation had came in like a tornado and completely destroyed my life... and I had let it. But, hearing the woman who raised me and who cared for me when I didn't even care for myself say what she did I knew I had to change. Not only for myself but for her.

I took baby steps. I read some books on the subject and finally put myself in counseling. I think I hadn't for so long because I didn't want to really see what this situation has done to me. Who it had made me. The thing is, people shy away from rape like it doesn't really happen. Is this why? Do people turn away from it because they don't want to see that this is what happens to lives of the people they love? Daughters, mothers, teenagers, young adults... everyday.

Once again, I am lucky. I had someone open my eyes and save me. Some aren't so lucky. Which is sad, and it's sad that people make excuses for it and it's even MORE sad that people aren't educating others so that this stops ruining lives.

Parents who see this, read this to your teenagers... BOTH genders. Guys, read this to your frat bothers. Girls, read this to your friends. Read this and realize that this is happening to more people than you would ever imagine and if you want to stop the cycle then open your eyes.