There are many stages people go through after being sexually assaulted. I went through every emotion I can think of and the one that sticks out the most is anger. Angry at myself for not being able to see the storm that was headed my way. Angry with the justice system (which you all have gotten to see). Angry with the people around me for not knowing exactly what I was feeling (which is outrageous, but I'm being honest here). Angry with his family for enabling their son. But most of all, I was angry with him. I KNEW him, I TRUSTED him.
Here was someone who I was honestly considering committing to when in reality, behind all his acting he was only after one thing. POWER. I had told him numerous times things needed to go slow, a relationship and sex. I had the power, so he took it. I think the hardest part was looking back and seeing that I was so blind. I had no idea the type of person I was talking to was a rapist.
I want to share something that was an assignment I had in counseling. I was to write a letter to my rapist. I could say what ever I wanted to. So this is what I said:
"Out of all the things I've wanted to say when the time comes for me to let it all out, I don't have a clue on where to start. Everyone always talks about forgiveness being the key to making this better. That you 'forgive but not forget.' In some cases maybe but in this case, not a chance. You did something that is beyond the point of forgiveness. I would go into all the details on how much you took away. But, it wouldn't matter. You know what raping a person does, hell you have degraded women so much at this point... you're a professional. The thing I don't understand, the thing that pisses me of more than anything is that you will wake up every single morning, go to your fairly decent job with benefits. With your college degree you received when you SHOULD OF been spending all day in your jail cell with a cell mate that SHOULD OF kicked your pathetic ass everyday for the four months you where in jail which SHOULD OF been at least four years. You SHOULD BE begging god for forgiveness which you SHOULD NOT receive. You SHOULD BE haunted by all of our lives that you helped destroy. You SHOULD NOT be able to sleep at night and SHOULD NEVER be able to look at yourself in the mirror. But... life isn't fair is it? People don't get what they deserve. I didn't, and you won't either. You will continue to be a person women have to fear and for that, I will not be giving you the forgiveness that is the key to waking up from this nightmare. I can choose to blame what you did on bad luck or bad circumstance or, I can fight like hell to get out of this rut. I have done it for over a year now and that's what I'll continue to do. I'm going to try my hardest to keep fighting to make things right, in my life and in others who are fighting the same battles. And maybe, one day the good will over power the bad. Because, you will never be a good person so if I were you I would be counting my lucky stars that you have gotten away with all the bad you have caused. I'm sure my days of tears a far from over. But, I have come a long way in my journey to finding myself and that is more than you will ever be able to say. Maybe in my journey to healing I'll come across a way to forgive you, without feeling like I want to tear you apart."
Pretty angry huh? I've come a long way since that letter, but I still have a ways to go. I'm not as angry anymore. Being that angry started to wear me out. It started to consume my thought and my actions in my everyday life. I started to become this very emotionless person and had to pull myself out.
Without emotion you can't feel the hurt, but you also can't feel the good moments. And those good moments are what make this journey worth it. I am not at a point where I can forgive him, but I'd like to say I am making steps towards it.
Another thing I'd like to say is that it's okay if you look at things that SHOULD OF happened. Just make sure that you don't get to stuck on it that you stay stuck in the past as well.