Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Getting Along with Life

Lately things have been... messy. I've always been the type to jump right back up after disappointments but I can't anymore. It's been almost three years and I'm still figuring out who I am all the while I have people telling me it's right or it's wrong. On top of disappointment after disappointment. My positivity is what got me here. It's why I survived. But there comes a point where even the most positive person loses their way... and who picks them up? I know I have to pick myself back up, but I've done it so many times now I'm tired. I have no energy left. I can't get out of this funk. But I always tell myself I wouldn't be here if there wasn't a reason. I'm strong enough to handle whatever is thrown my way. That I am resilient. Even if one thing piles on top of another. I'll figure it out. This time is just taking a lot longer. It's bad news after bad news. It's bad luck after bad luck. It's hard time after hard time. It's just draining. I'm 24 years old. It shouldn't be this hard. Should it? I just want to get along with life and be the person that has the random good luck. Or the winning streak. At this point, I'd settle for a good hair day.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Write Long and Clear About What Hurts

Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "write long and clear about what hurts." It's crazy to think that even then, he knew the power of writing. Of getting it all out, in any way it comes. To let it spill out onto paper (or in my case, screen) is liberating. Even if no one sees it. It's a way to tell exactly what you are feeling, exactly as it is happening and exactly how you want it to say it.

When you write you get to do all of these things without anyone telling you that you are wrong. This journey is a process, a process that takes a lot of time and most of the time is focused on finding yourself again and rebuilding. You can't rebuild if you have no way of releasing emotions, on top of having people tell you how to deal and how to feel. Because honestly, you can go to all the counseling you want but until you reach down and find these words and spill them out you won't go anywhere. Spill them off of your lips or onto paper, on a screen or onto a canvas. But, get it out.

I can say without a doubt if I hadn't done this blog I would still be the lost, hot mess girl I was. I thought I was better than my feelings before, I could go just go though the motions. Go through the prosecution process with no help and no voice other than my "yes" "no" or "I don't know" answers that were my options on the trial stand. I thought at the time that was all I needed. That standing up was enough. But standing up means nothing if no words come out with it. Not after a while. After a while, my legs got tired. I needed to rely on something else.

There is a question I started to ask myself, and I asked myself everyday until I made it to where I am now. "Do you want to look back and know that you got through this situation and survived it, or do you want to look back and know that you got through this situation, survived it and lived past it??? Because if you do, you better start relying on more than just standing there."

I took Mr. Hemingway's advice. "Write long and clear about what hurts." When it hurts I write, until it stops; until I'm past it... and so can you.