Honesty is a funny thing. Sometimes it can be more cruel than any type of lie. Most of the time, the truth hurts... it stings because you know without a doubt that it's real.
Throughout this process I swore I would do nothing but speak just that. Regardless of how it makes me look, or if it even makes any sense to anyone who reads my words. I can say that I know in my heart that it has given me more honest friends and supports than I could of ever imagined. It also save some.
A couple months ago I reconnected with my life long best friend. For the past few years we had not been the greatest friends to each other. We got mad about pretty pointless thing, on top of doing our fair share of talking bad about each other and had just begun to patch it back up. After hanging out a few times we had jumped right back into our friendship, like it had never left.
One night, I got a text from her saying, "I have to tell you something. When I first found out about you getting raped, I didn't believe it. I don't know why I would doubt you but I did. I want you to know that I am sorry. After actually listening to your story I feel completely different. It was wrong of me to judge and I have been feeling guilty ever since. I just read all of your blogs and I feel like a shitty person. I got sucked into all the shit talking and it was awful."
After reading that my heart sank... there it was, the sting. But it was honest. I understood, and there was not one ounce of anger that I felt. I felt grateful for the truth. I knew I had a life long friend again, because she honestly felt compassion for someone who she once disliked. To feel compassion for someone you dislike shows your heart. I'm lucky to have a friend, who has exactly that.
I don't know what is about rape and why it is the number one thing that is held over my head. I've had people who dislike me say things to my face like, all I'm good for is being a human f***doll to having people call me disgusting for it. But most of the times, its behind my back. I understand not wanting to show me compassion. I wasn't always the best person. But, from all of this I have found out what type of woman I want to be. After going through this journey, my heart got to heavy to hold on to any more hate. I have no hate, and I do my best to be as kind as I can. Sometimes I may fall short, but god knows I mean well. So all I can say is, give me truth. Give me all the truth I can handle.
"You don't think you'll live past it and you really don't. The person you were is gone, but the half of you that is still alive wakes up one day and takes over."