Monday, January 6, 2014

Finding Myself Again

I have wrote to all of you a lot about the dark places I have been and how I have gotten out of them. But, I'd be lying if I said I didn't rely on my relationships with others to get me here. So recently, I took away my own security blanket which was my relationship, and I did it on purpose. Who am I to sit here and preach to all of you- if I myself have not stood on my own two feet and faced some of my problem alone? So, now I am.

I'm alone in my thoughts and I'm alone with my surroundings. I live alone, sleep alone, and now do most things alone. I'm adjusting to the fact that I can't have someone saving me all the time. I need and WANT to save myself. I want to look back and know I stood on my own and took my situation head on, and won.

Maybe this is impossible. I'm not saying I always want to be alone because frankly it sucks and I hate it. But, I got comfortable in my latest situation and could no longer help myself. I seemed to have all the answers for other people but no longer had the answers for myself.

Relationships are hard after something like rape. You either don't let your partner in at all, or you let them in too much. There needs to be a balance, and by the time I realized that, it was too late. Next time around, I won't look for my partner to save me, but I will look for their support while I save myself. I'm facing fears again, that I faced in the beginning. I'm going back to the places that were the darkest and not backing down.

I could have friends come stay with me every night so I wouldn't be afraid of shadows that aren't really there, but that wouldn't be facing them would it? It would just be covering them up, like I've been doing for the past two years. Some people might think I'm nuts. To let go of all I knew and all that was safe. The rest of my life was planned out to a T but my heart knew that was not the plan for me.

Usually, I would have already cracked by now, but surprisingly I'm not. I'm surprisingly doing okay. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable but I don't think that will ever go away completely. The point I'm trying to make here is that its okay to be scared. It's okay to not know what tomorrow will bring.. being a survivor is hard, we all know that. But being an independent survivor and knowing everything is going to be okay is liberating.

It's never going to be easy, nothing ever will again, but I want all the survivors reading this to know that you can have people that support you and be independent at the same time. I have friends and family around me that I can talk to without clinging to them to save me. Eventually, I will have the type of relationship that makes me melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July. But right now, my goals are enough to give me butterflies and at this moment I know, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I'm finding myself all over again, and I'm proud to say that I'm doing it for no one else but me.

"RECOVERY. It will be challenging. It will also be worth it. You will relapse, and that's okay (as long as you keep fighting). You may feel alone in your struggle. You will have good days, and bad days, but the bad days will get fewer. Your problems will not magically go away, but they will be manageable. You may not feel different at first... but when you are done you will feel happier, healthier, stronger, and recovered. That is why you have to keep fighting."